My New Year’s Resolutions

— Robert Strozier

1) I need to pet cats and dog more.

2) I should stay later at the office on weekends, so I can help my absent colleagues complete projects they haven’t competed.

3) Given all the times I’ve leafed through People in the grocery check-out line without paying, I’m going to buy two copies of every issue from now on.

4) Even though I don’t have children, I belong to a babysitting cooperative. We all take turns, but I should give more time to it than I do.

5) I don’t tip the mail carriers nearly enough at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Labor Day, Mother’s Day and Administrative Professionals Day.

6) Whatever the weather, I must pause at every corner for several minutes lest some elderly person comes along who needs help crossing the street.

7) When my best friend from high school said, “I think it’s best we spend more time apart,” I knew exactly what he meant, and I should encourage him to seek out those who’re more rewarding to be around.

8) My mother used to wash out my mouth with soap every time I used “potty” language, and so should I, even if I’m only thinking the forbidden word.

9) I must always give people the benefit of the doubt. At the beach the other day, for instance, a guy kicked sand in my face, which gave me a start until I realized he was just trying to help me build a sand castle.

10) I must work harder at therapy. I free associate like crazy, hardly breaking for breath, but I’m lucky if now and then a tiny cork pops to the surface. The battle I must fight is with myself, the therapist says, and sometimes he doesn’t attend sessions. I let myself in, lie down on the couch, and start hacking away. I blush to have such an unconscious.

11) My ex-wife wants me to increase the alimony, on a “just-between-us” basis, which seems only fair given how impossible I must have been to live with those five weeks.

12) I consume more of the earth’s oxygen than I should. From now on I’m going to hold my breath more.

Robert Strozier’s fiction and non-fiction have appeared in numerous publications including Atlantic, Esquire, The New Times Magazine, and The NYT Book Review. He’s had plays produced in NYC, and a musical he wrote (book and lyrics) has had five concert readings. He also helped launch five national magazines, then served as Editor-in-Chief of two and a senior editor at the others.

Since joining OLL-USF he has taught classes on Broadway and the New Yorker magazine and has contributed many stories to OLLI Connects. You can find and enjoy all of them by clicking in the search box in the footer and then entering “Strozier” to access his archive.